Shortly after coming home from the hospital, I had decided that I wanted a memorial tattoo in honor of Emmett. The new ink would be a constant reminder of the love I carry for him. So, I needed to find something that was symbolic of him and this journey.
My husband’s family bought a hydrangea tree and we planted it in our front yard a few weeks after the loss. Once it blossomed, there was a tiny monarch butterfly that would perch on it during the summer afternoons. It would catch my eye as I looked up from my work, making me smile. Since then, butterflies have become an important symbol reminding us of our son, and one that has helped in our healing.
I have to give a huge shout-out to Boston-area tattoo artist Alicia Thomas for the phenomenal job she did. Alicia works out of The Boston Tattoo Company in Somerville, MA, and Precision Body Arts in Nashua, NH. She was absolutely amazing during this process and I can’t thank her enough. We first met back in March for a consultation to go through my Pinterest board of ideas and to come up with a sense of what she was going to create for me.
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The end result was a sketched butterfly that looks like it was zooming around to create a heart and Emmett’s name. She filled the wings in with different shades of blue for my sweet baby boy. I do love how realistic butterfly tattoos can look but instead opted for the sketchy feel of it since Emmett’s story was left unfinished, almost like a doodle in an artist’s notebook.
For me, the pain from a tattoo artist’s needles is nothing in comparison to the physical and emotional pain I experienced giving birth and not being able to bring my son home, and the subsequent onslaught of unrelenting grief. Once I had that mindset and knew why I was doing this, it was a relatively quick appointment. The actual process of having Alicia complete the tattoo happened on my lunch break one day, in about 30 minutes. Now, depending on the complexity of the artwork, it can take much longer than that as well as your pain threshhold and need to take “rest” breaks.
I did tons of research into local artists. I first started following the tattoo studio where I had my first piece done on Facebook and Instagram. From there, I started to see a whole new world of artists and their personalities come to life in front of my eyes. It’s also a good idea to ask your friends and family for recommendations for local artists.
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There are so many different styles as well. Some artists are excellent at watercolor or realism. Whereas others do great retro-looking pieces.
I recommend keeping a folder of images, font styles, quotations, and other tattoos that you come across. (Pinterest makes this super easy to collect everything in one “vision board.” When you finally select your artist, you can bring that folder along with you or just forward your Pinterest board link to start your discussion.
This was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. I wanted something I could see but I also needed to be able to cover it up for certain work functions. Some businesses have policies about tattoos being covered up at all times. For me, I chose to have it placed on my back shoulder because I could easily cover it with most blouses or a cardigan. But, on summer days when I’m at the beach or pool, I can show it off.
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Everyone’s pain tolerance is different. For me, I live with fibromyalgia and chronic migraines on a daily basis. My relatively good, low-pain days could be considered very painful to some people. But, a lot of “pain” is in how you think about it and your expectations. A good way to get through something painful is by breathing slowly and methodically. Breathe in through your nose while counting to 5, then slowly exhale through your mouth, counting to 5.
Remember, a tattoo is forever. Once you get it done, it’s with you, unless you go through laser removal treatments. So, if you have any doubt in your mind, give it some time and revisit your decision later.
Deciding on when to get your memorial tattoo also can be a tough decision. Do you want it to coincide with a special milestone or an angelversary? If so, check with your artist to be sure they can accommodate your needs. Many tattoo artists travel to tradeshows so their calendars fill up fast. I wanted to have Emmett’s tattoo done by his first angelversary in April but between my own schedule and Alicia’s calendar, we just couldn’t make that work. So, we looked at other important dates and, ultimately, we decided on getting it done just before a fundraising walk our family was doing in honor of E.
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You also want to keep in mind that it’s going to take time for your tattoo to heal. It can vary but for at least two weeks (check with your individual artist for their recommendations) you want to keep it out of the sun. You also need to avoid swimming (ocean or pools). Most importantly, you need to constantly slather it with lotion to keep it moisturized.
Do you have a memorial tattoo to honor your baby? I’d love to see it! Share it with us in the comments or on our social media pages!
Christina Relacion-Finnell is a city girl who bought a house in rural Massachusetts with her husband. She’s an angel mommy to Emmett and a dog mama to Dakota. You can usually find her nerding out over something Harry Potter, Marvel or Doctor Who. If she’s not geeking out, she’s planning her next escape to Walt Disney World or perfecting her baked dessert creations. Christina blogs about her journey of pregnancy loss and grief here.
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Christina Relacion-Finnell is a city girl who bought a house in rural Massachusetts with her husband. She's an angel mommy to Emmett and a dog mama to Dakota. You can usually find her nerding out over something Harry Potter, Marvel or Doctor Who. If she's not geeking out, she's planning her next escape to Walt Disney World or perfecting her baked dessert creations. Christina blogs about her journey of pregnancy loss and grief here.One Friday night, in early December 2006, I was sound asleep while my 18-year-old son was unconscious, precariously clinging to life after a car accident.
When the police came to my door that night telling me Stuart was critically injured, I couldn't believe it. I kept thinking, this cannot be happening to our family.
In Intensive Care, the doctors looked at me with pity and compassion as Stuart's life support hummed. I knew he wasn't going to make it. With massive head injuries, my son was no longer there.
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When he died, I breathed in the last of him, held him and told him I would always love him and never forget him.
After Stuart's death, I grappled with my relationship with him. I'd lost my son. I was still a mother, but how many children did I have now?
It was crippling. I was terrified I was going to forget him. I needed a connection with him, something that would always keep him a part of my life, even if it was in a very different way.
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As I began to explore what it could mean for me, I bumped up against my own belief systems about getting inked.
Yet I knew this would give me a permanent and meaningful connection to my son, something that would stay with me forever.
The words, Vestri eternus lux lucis fulsi totus inter mihi mean Your eternal light shines all around me and the Egyptian ankh sitting in the centre symbolises life being eternal.
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My tattoo is a large circle full of symbols. I loved Irish poet and philosopher, John O'Donohue's idea of a circle meaning eternity and a place of intimate belonging.
The words, Vestri eternus lux lucis fulsi totus inter mihi mean, Your eternal light shines all around me, and the Egyptian ankh sitting in the centre symbolises life being eternal.
The tragedy of sudden death ripped me apart shredding all that I was, yet in the cracks of the raw and broken me the healing somehow found a way to enter.
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In an instant he is back with me again and in my tattoo, I see him. I know he lived, that he was part of my life.
Maureen Hunter is a freelance writer from Western Australia, who roams Australia with her partner Brett. She enjoys new adventures and reflecting on the gift of life.is professor of psychology at Grenfell Campus, Memorial University of Newfoundland in Canada. She is the co-author of Parenting After the Death of a Child: A Practitioner’s Guide (2011).
Every time I read that poem, my heart would ache for my father. I knew that I had to have this poem on me so I could carry it with me … The day
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